Out of a Trance and Facing the Original Big Fear

12 Apr

”]Cover of "Matrix-Trilogy [Blu-ray]"Didn’t the mass population in The Matrix sort of go through the motions of life without truly living?  That’s how I remember it, anyway.  At this point in my life, with no clue where to move as we leave this toxic apartment, I believe God may be giving me a wake-up call, as though I’ve been just going through the motions without committing to living for Him the way I’m supposed to.  Do you know who I think has a much better grasp on living for God than most of the rest of us?  The Amish.

No part of me believes for a second that I could exist as an Amish person because I’ve always been such a staunch individualist and entirely too impractical.  But I aspire to change my daily routine and my consistent actions as a parent raising these two young ones in my care.  I’m responsible for raising two grandchildren, ages 8 and 3; have I mentioned that?

I’m facing such a dark time right now, since where I’m supposed to live is so uncertain.  And it’s ironic because when I first became a Christian part of the reason I chose to marry the man I did (the wrong man) was because of the security of having a home.  He had established a career at a young age, and he was more responsible than any young man I’d ever met.  (Enough about the unfaithful ex.)

One of the first things I came to an agreement with God about was that, since I’ve always loved “home” and could easily panic about problems related to where home is, I would trust Him completely as regards every place I live for the rest of my life.   (This was after realizing that my marriage was a bit of a nightmare.)

And yet here I sit in a toxic apartment in which all kinds of personal turmoil with other family members has got each of our three lives reeling.  It’s like we aren’t on sound footing.  The toddler has taken to nervous eating, though I’m not going to let that continue, for her sake.  We’ll get more active together starting tomorrow.  And my 8-year-old has been consistently on his worst and most defiant and disobedient behavior.

The Bible talks about rejoicing always, and I believe we really are supposed to do that.  And right now, in spite of the yuckiness of the place I’m currently in, I am excited knowing that God is going to use this experience to set me on a better path to serving Him in the home.  An improved “me” will emerge from this creepy juncture of my short stay on the earth.

And while many people may think that living the way the Amish do is a bit creepy, I think it’s a great example.  I believe God intends us to be intentional in our separation from the ways of the world and in our devotion to Him.  And one of the most wonderful aspects of the Amish life is community – home and family and community life is very strong.  None of the faithful would ever have to wonder where they’re going to be laying their head for the next year.

Oh, wow, it just came to me that Jesus once said he had nowhere to lay His head.

You see how all over the place I am?  That’s one of the effects of not knowing where my place in the world is.  Very disconcerting.  Good thing God is so very faithful.  All will be well.

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4 Responses to “Out of a Trance and Facing the Original Big Fear”

  1. Vince Chough April 12, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    Dear Stevie – I am facing some pretty big giants as well. But we have to take the attitude of giant-killers. How? Die to ourselves and let the Big Guy come out swinging for us. These are, ironically, the “best of times” for us. The doubt, the pain, the fear… all leading us to depend more on Him. Let our trials strengthen our need for His presence. Praying for you.
    Vince

    Like

    • Stevie McHugh April 12, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

      Wonderful advice. I’m sorry to know these are tough times for you, too, but on the other hand, I also believe that in God’s economy, these are the best times. This kind of pain IS good, like when exercising. Amen!!! Thank you for the affirmation. It’s comforting.

      Like

  2. selah April 12, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    Stevie, you are in a difficult place right now, but you are trusting the Lord and he will honor you for that. I pray the Lord’s direction and provision for your needs, and it may be something you would not expect..

    Like

    • Stevie McHugh April 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

      Thank you so much. The testimony of God’s faithfulness will be an upbeat post I look forward to sharing. 🙂

      Like

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